How To Help Your Socially Awkward Kid When They Don’t Socialize Well With Others

As a parent, watching your kids navigate socializing with others can be hard. Especially if your kid appears socially awkward in some way. It’s not a simple formula here. As kids mature, their social skills change. Habit, practice, environment and their internal body chemistry all play a role. Neurodiverse kids, meaning kids with ADHD, autism, learning disability etc, may take longer to gain skills than their peers. As much as I wish I could tell you that there is a formula for social skills, the truth is there are a myriad of formulas. You just need to find what works for your kid.

The other part to consider before we get into how to help a socially awkward kid is parents and how they react. On the socially awkward spectrum, as a parent you may cringe at your kid’s behavior or want to cry out of empathy. The truth is kids do silly things. They may say something inappropriate or blurt something out and as a parent you wish they “knew better”. Or they may get rejected and you want to pull them into a hug to make all the pain go away.

The other consideration is learning differences that affect your child’s ability to process information and read the social settings around them. This can be anything from a learning disability to autism, ADHD and more. The impact that each diagnosis has on your child’s ability to feel comfortable, safe and capable in social settings is unique to every child. Yours included.

Growing up isn’t easy when your body, hormones, brain, friends, family and outside world seem to constantly be in flux. If you’re worried the pain of being the “odd” kid or being different is affecting your child, here’s how I help my clients suss out what’s going on and steps to take to find some relief.

Socializing may come naturally to some, but it definitely doesn’t come easily to others.

If you feel like your child or teen is the socially awkward kid, you first have to investigate fact from fiction. Social markers from 20 years ago are not the same as what we see today as “good” or “problematic” behaviors today.

One of the clearest indicator of this is eye contact.

When I was growing up, it was considered disrespectful to not make eye contact when speaking to someone. Today, we know that there are many reasons kids avoid eye contact, most of which have nothing to do with respect. Research has emerged that eye contact is painful for some neurodivergent kids and it negatively affects their well-being. Therefore, it’s not something we should insist that they do.

As parents, learning how to read your child and their behavior is almost a full time job. But, when you know what’s going on, if you’re seeing an actual problem or a phase, you will have a stronger sense of when your child is at risk.

When you know what’s really going on, you can help your child with social awkwardness the best way possible.

Introverted, Socially Anxious or Socially Awkward?

One of the most common misconceptions many parents have is separating the behaviors of an introverted child from those of a kid who is socially awkward versus socially anxious. Your child may have one, two or all three of these traits so figuring out the driving force behind their actions is important.

Introversion

A kid who is introverted recharges by being alone or in small groups. They thrive being alone and do not seek out friend groups or social activities in the same way that extroverts do. If your child wants to be alone more than with other people, it’s not necessarily a sign of social awkwardness, although introverted kids can, at times, be less confident being social simply because they have less practice.

For an introverted kid, finding social environments they enjoy is key so they can practice being with new friends and in new situations. And as with every new or rusty skill, things get better over time. I would encourage patience so you can really see if there’s more nervousness or anxiety underneath. Your first read isn’t likely to be 100% accurate when your child is a natural introvert and thankfully, most introverted kids thrive in their element especially if their behavior is led by an innate enjoyment of being alone.

Social Anxiety

Social anxiety is a psychological diagnosis and one that you want to seek professional help to obtain. If you see your child displaying typical anxiety symptoms (intense fear when away from home, family, parents or doing new or unfamiliar things) this usually warrants seeing a psychologist or counselor to get to the root of what’s going on.

Social anxiety is often quite disruptive and something that parents see quickly when they are connected to their kids. It is also something that can come on based on events or circumstances – changing schools, being bullied, losing a friend are just a few. If you’re worried your child has social anxiety, this is a great topic to seek out support for. Most therapists offer consultations and you would want someone who specialized in anxiety if at all possible.

Social Awkwardness

On a related, yet different, plane is social awkwardness. A socially awkward kid may hesitates to initiate a conversation, allow themselves to be treated badly by a friend or desperately relies on one friend for approval or attention. Socially awkward kids often struggle when the friendship dynamics change. This could be a new friend coming into the group, a friend leaving the group or the power dynamic in a friendship changing.

And, of course, there’s maturity. Kids go through awkward times as they get older, heck so do adults. The truth is, your child’s social awkwardness may just be a phase and something they grow out of over time.

There also appears to be a correlation – not a causation – between confidence and awkwardness that is worth considering.

• Does your kid’s awkward behavior show up when he or she tries on a new skill or a new friend?
• Do you see it more at the start of the school year vs the middle of the year?
• Does it show up again after holiday breaks only to recede quickly once the routine is reestablished?
• Do the same awkward behaviors reduce over time or with practice?

The good news is that social skills, just like any other life skill, can be practiced and improved at any age. The less good-news is that if awkwardness is not successfully addressed, it can solidify and continue.

If you know your child and can see that the upcoming school year, activities, holidays and changes will spark their awkward behavior, here are a few tips I coach parents with that may help.

9 Tips to Help the Socially Awkward Kid Socialize Better With Their Peers

1. Early intervention – Keep an eye out for how your child interacts with others across a variety of settings. You may not notice anything at home, but perhaps on the playground or with neighbors you see an area of potential concern. If you notice a problem, the best thing you can do is talk to your child and try to understand their perspective. Be curious, use open-ended questions and work collaboratively on solutions. 
2. Build basic skills for getting along with others – Include your child in social occasions, holidays, events and dinners. Have them practice the skill of being a Social Spy to practice reading the room and seeing how well they can guess/anticipate what others are feeling. Teaching social skills can happen when kids are quite young so don’t think it’s necessary to wait until they’re ready for sleepovers or asking someone to the prom. Starting early is helpful for everyone and gives lots and lots of time for patience and practice.
3. Collaborate with your child vs telling them what to do – Remember when I said about that some parents cringe and others cry? It’s true that witnessing your kid’s painful moments are hard on you too and in some cases, parent’s react and move into “fix it” mode. This rarely works. Instead, it’s important to work together to help your child adjust their behaviors vs getting upset and “telling them what t do.” Try to avoid nagging, yelling, or punishing and instead practice taking little steps to adjust behaviors. For example, if you want to help your child make a friend, show them how to simplify the process of connecting with another person. This helps demystify the process and makes it less intimidating and complicated.
4. Practice making chit chat – Knowing that you can bridge from one topic to another and make conversation is not just an art, it’s a necessity. Chit chat and conversation help us connect with people and make friends and find out about people so we can nurture that friendship. Some awkward kids struggle to make conversation. Practice talking at dinner by asking your child to add to a conversation and let them have their moment. Once this feels comfortable, try this again in a more risky setting like a family party or public event like soccer practice. The key here is practice, practice, practice.
5. Teach kids to identify how they want to be treated – Explain what qualities to look for in a friendship. This will help them be discerning and not just settle for anyone who gives them the slightest attention or to banish those who might make a single mistake. Ask your child what they want out of their friendships? How do they want to be treated? What makes a friendship enjoyable?
6. Talk openly – When the opportunity arises, ask about their friends and their experience in school. Listen and discuss what they like, dislike and what they want more or less of with their friends.
7. Personal hygiene – This is so important because kids are big on first impressions. Clean kids avoid the harsh ridicule of their peers especially when puberty sets in. And as much as you may believe that your older kid shouldn’t need regular reminders, many do – especially kids with executive function challenges. Brushing teeth, showering, washing clothes, etc. are important to ensure your child is not needlessly targeted. 
8. Model joining a group and engaging with people – Demonstrate how to reach out to other people and nurture relationships. Talk about how to approach a group of people. Role play and rehearse with family members or at a party with close friends where your child can practice walking up to someone, saying hello and physically joining a circle of people and a conversation.
9. Participate in “Third Spaces” – Third spaces are incredibly important as kids get older because they offer a salve to everyday life. Third spaces as thought of as “in-between” spaces; they’re not work or school, nor are they home. They are the activities we go to that provide opportunities for socializing in a low pressure way. Why? Because usually third spaces are organized around a natural interest your child has such as soccer, karate, chess club, drama club, church/synagogue/mosque… really any activity that they participate in for the love of participating. Socialization happens much more easily there because you have an intermediary topic to talk about – the activity. This removes the pressure to “be social” and instead your child can play and talk about the things they naturally love to do.
   

Still Worried About Your Child’s Ability To Socialize Well with Others?

If after reading all of this you’re still concerned it’s understandable. Transitioning from a socially awkward kid to one who is comfortable in crowds may never fully happen, and that’s OK. Consider what your child needs to thrive, and work on that. Social skills are just that, skills. They can be honed, learned and practiced, but I dare say, never fully perfected. Even the most powerful speakers of our time have social foibles. The key is to get back up and try again.

If there’s anything more I can do to help you, please don’t hesitate to reach out.