Parenting Strategies For Helping Neurodiverse Kids

Today, between 15% to 20% of the population is considered to be neurodiverse. According to Harvard Business Review, “Neurodiversity describes the idea that people experience and interact with the world around them in many different ways; there is no one ‘right’ way of thinking, learning, and behaving, and differences are not viewed as deficits.”

As this trend of self-recognition (or parental recognition) has grown, more people have become aware that they struggle under traditional or “normal” circumstances with basic, everyday tasks.  Different learning styles affect kids profoundly trickling into the classroom in ways never previously seen.

Loving your child is the most important step towards helping your kid feel accepted and OK. Everything else can be learned.

What Kids Really Need…

Given how socially conscious our society is, it’s interesting to note that the hashtag #neurodiverse has been used 457 million times in the past 12 months on TikTok alone.  So while we’re aware of what’s happening and we can see the trends all around us, what we need to talk about is what lies at the heart of all of this, and that is the desire to belong. To feel accepted, included and respected for who we are without needing to rearrange our parts or hide the pieces of ourselves that don’t quite “fit in.”

As one client said to me, “Fitting in is like cutting off parts of yourself to fit into a box. Belonging is feeling that people welcomed you, and that you’re accepted for who you are.”  

6 Strategies To Support Neurodiverse Kids

Although it is common to focus on the negative, especially academic weaknesses, instead focus on the positives. Talk to your child and identify what they think they are good at. Concentrating on what she does well and likes will help her when times get tough.

Sometimes, all that needs to be said is, “I understand.” As tempting as it is, as parents, we don’t have to have the answers to fix everything. Normalizing that frustration, pain and anxiety exist and are normal under pressure or when there is a hope or expectation that is unmet teaches your child that what they’re feeling is OK under the circumstances.  And, that they are allowed and encouraged to feel their feelings as they occur.

To build self-awareness, work with your child to acknowledge feelings, especially difficult ones such as anger, worry and frustration. Helping to identify and label emotions will help her learn to pause when she’s upset and build self-control and communication skills. Model using “I” statements, such as “I feel sad,” I wish you would not do that.”

Recognize your own triggers and work at keeping calm. As a family, share ways you can cope with negative feelings and how to calm down. Perhaps you can suggest a time out or create a zen corner so everyone has a place to pause and calm down before reacting or saying something they would regret. Practicing skills like this help build self-control skills and confidence over time.

This is a two sided tip. Don’t hesitate to apologize when you lose your cool, make a mistake or get upset. Demonstrate that even when you have conflict with your child that you can approach it with respect and dignity.

The other side is to accept your child apologies and wishes to be better in the future. By teaching that mistakes, missteps and blunders are normal for us all, you reduce the pressure on your child to be perfect. This helps neurodiverse kids immensely.

Celebrate with your kid when they do things well. This doesn’t mean balloons and streamers for every good deed, it simply is noticing, acknowledging and honoring the progress your child is making in their life.

I make a point to say to my kids on a regular basis “atta boy” “practice makes better” and “I can see that you tried your best.”  Each of these phrases infuses into your kid that you believe in them and see great things for their future, whatever that may look like.

Building Social Capital is Critical for Strong Relationships.

“Social capital is the network and goodwill that you have with other people that help you not only accomplish tasks, but also [maintain] important social connections,” Read more.

My son and I often fought about the fact that he was rude to other people. He only wanted to play video games and wasn’t interested in hanging out with others. Keith would not even engage in a discussion about his social skills. That is when we found the Play Better Plan. I worked to learn to coach my son rather than telling him what to do. After a few weeks, he became willing to try doing a polite pretend where he pretends to be polite even when he feels bored or frustrated. As a parent, I have learned that you have to continually follow through with what you and your child learn through coaching. It is a process that, given time, patience and effort will be worth it both for your child’s social skills and for your parent-child relationship.
JenniferMother
There was a lot of frustration and anger on my side before I went to see Caroline. I was getting calls from my son’s school about him upsetting other kids. I thought I was doing something wrong—that I was a bad parent and that my son’s behavioral problems reflected poorly on me. What really helped me was understanding how the brain works. I learned how his brain worked. And I learned that there were ways I could help him. I used to fight with him every day about piano, about karate, about not being on the iPad. He would be rude to other adults or he’d push around another kids at soccer practice. And I did not know what to do. Now, I am able to handle these situations. Because of the coaching program, I have made real progress with Andy. We no longer fight. He is also doing better with other kids at school, and I am happy to say he hasn’t had any incidents in the last month. We are still using the program today, and I have so much more confidence as a parent.
Iris M. Mother
But, the biggest gift the coaching program gave all of us is that of recognizing Gracie’s strengths and uniqueness, and helping us to acknowledge and accept that her ways of moving through the world are always going to be different. Caroline helped us figure out which battles were worth fighting, and where I (in particular) could ease up. Today, Gracie is in 4th grade. She is succeeding at school, with some accommodations, and has been able to make and maintain friendships. She still gets herself into trouble from time to time, and she has to work to bring her best self to school each day. But she now has the tools to do that, and we are better able to support that effort. She has been working very hard, and she feels proud of her progress. Gracie now sees herself as capable of trying and succeeding. She gets asked for playdates and activities, and is able to reciprocate invitations. What a difference! I only wish that there was enough of Caroline to go around to all of the other moms, kids, and families who struggle with this same stuff.
Gretchen L. Mother
Play Better Coaching Graduate
I was leery of the Play Better Plan. I felt overwhelmed and felt sure there would be no way I could do this, much less that it would be something my kid would agree to do. At first he was resistant but we learned how to have fun with it and laugh when we stumbled. Using coaching to talk about hard things with my son Andy made the conversations less antagonistic— and it worked.
Patrick M. Father
My daughter Jenny was struggling with ADHD and anxiety. Our relationship was breaking down, and her other social relationships were becoming challenging. She was overly sensitive to what kids and teachers had to say. Every minor conflict blew up into a giant problem in her mind. Her emotions got the better of her, and she would lash back at her friends. People started leaving her out of group events, and her grades were suffering as her anxiety grew. I was really starting to worry about her future. When we started Caroline Maguire’s coaching program, we saw a huge improvement right away. The program helped me communicate better with Jenny. I was able to help her look at those minor problems more objectively. Very quickly, Jenny learned to pause and problem- solve instead of overreacting. She learned strategies to cope with her emotions, and she learned to calm herself. Now, many years later, she is a successful college student with a strong group of friends. The coaching model helped Jenny develop life skills to manage emotions and get along with other people.
Pam K. Mother
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