The Challenge of Keeping Friends
It’s Not Always Your Fault When It Ends
Most people who identify as having ADHD have a long, and often complicated, history with friends. We often have an equally long history of feeling misunderstood in social situations because we were “too much” for some people, leaving us feeling that we caused conflict, worried that we misread social signals, and more.
Such circumstances may cause us to jump to the conclusion that whatever the negative outcome, “it must have been my fault.” Somehow, it was me.
This leads to a lifetime of experiences where we reinforce by our own beliefs that the negativity around us was, in fact, because of us. Leading further to a cycle of shame, low self-confidence, and sometimes social anxiety.
Yes, it is true that people with ADHD sometimes struggle with friendship, but doesn’t the entire population? Perhaps not always in the same ways, but even with our challenges, it’s important to acknowledge that we deserve to be treated well and not merely cast aside to have complicated, dismal relationships.
People with ADHD have much to offer their friends.
There is joy and laughter to be found in how spontaneous we can be. There is fun to be had by not living by the rules all the time. There is levity found in not being so rigorously tied to social norms.
In life, there is a balance between trying to be a better friend and accepting something limiting about ourselves. No one should be treated poorly simply because of a difference in learning style and brain function. People with ADHD deserve love, compassion, affection, and enjoyment in their friendships just like everyone else.
So, if you’re curious whether you’re someone who has a deeply held belief that it must be your fault because a friendship or relationship didn’t work out, I have five ways for you to check this assumption for how factual it is.
Because the goal is to work with your ADHD, not let it paint you into a box or category.