How To Get Through To Your ADHD Kid — When It Feels Like Nothing Else Has Worked
One way a parent of a child with ADHD can improve communication with their kid is to learn about the “Distancer and Pursuer Dynamic.”
What is the “Distancer and Pursuer Dynamic?”
According to the Gottman Institute, it is the emotional interplay between a person (a pursuer) who urgently seeks confrontation to resolve issues and a person (a distancer) who avoids confrontation by retreating. Mentioned prominently in the work of Dr. John Gottman, Julie Gottman, and author Terry Gaspard, this dynamic affects all of one’s relationships over a lifespan.
That includes communication in family relationships when a child or partner has ADHD.
How To Help ADHD Kids Using the “Distancer and Pursuer Dynamic”
When emotional conflict arises, those with ADHD tend to lock onto an argument, behavior, or opinion. Held captive by an inability to regulate their emotions, they often “pursue” parents, partners, or friends — long after the other party has asked for a break.
This might take the form of arguing, texting, or physically following someone in an effort to continue the argument. Escalation is inevitable, especially in the individual with ADHD, particularly when the other party does not respond.
Pausing does not necessarily de-escalate the situation.
Parents or children often try to use tactics such as pausing in order to attempt to de-escalate an argument. But this rarely works for people with ADHD because of the attempt to extend ongoing engagement.
The person with ADHD often continues the pursuit, demanding resolution, further discussion, or answers. The argument or discussion becomes a living illustration of the Distancer and Pursuer Dynamic.
The Distancer and Pursuer Dynamic is further exacerbated by each party’s anxiety, history of trauma or rejection sensitivity, or level of emotional control.