Are You a People Pleaser?
Does loneliness cause adults and teenagers with ADHD to people please? Sadly, often the answer is yes. For many of us with ADHD, years of rejection, friendship struggles and generally feeling lonely or misunderstood often affects how we approach making new friends.
We worry about things like: Should I say no to the one person who is willing to hang out with me? Should I reject someone whose joke or values don’t match my own when they’re one of the few people inviting me to hang out with them? Should I try harder to make people like me, so I actually feel like I have friends?
All these questions and internal dilemmas are very real for many people with ADHD, and often cause them to fall into the hidden trap of people pleasing.
So, what exactly is people pleasing?
Psychologists define people-pleasing behaviors as “seeking the approval of other people” and “putting the needs of others before your own.” In certain circumstances, this may seem like normal, adaptable behavior, but when it goes to an extreme or it happens at the expense of your own well-being, people pleasing crosses into a territory that’s not great for your mental health.
This is especially true when it comes to friendship, because friends are meant to bring something truly special into your life. Healthy friendships are reciprocal and balanced, so the needs of both people are met. In practical terms, friends do things they both like—or they take turns picking activities, topics to talk about, or ways to spend time so everyone’s needs are met.
But when a friendship is not a two-way street, or you feel like you have to hide your needs, your feelings, or you simply can’t be yourself, something is wrong.