When Someone Shows You Who They Are

What makes someone worthy? How do you know if a potential friend is treating you well? What does treating you well look like?

People with ADHD often ask these questions, sometimes after looking back on a friendship that went south. The truth is, many people with ADHD are not treated well by friends or acquaintances. After unwinding a failed relationship, it’s common to look back on what went wrong. It’s also common to wonder, How did I miss the signs?

This naturally leads to questions about how to know in the future if someone is “worth” investing in as a potential friend. All this reflection is incredibly normal. We all want to see the red flags before we’re too invested, and that’s where the tricky part lies.

As a person with ADHD, I often rush into friendships.

The cycle usually goes like this: I meet a new acquaintance and instantly feel we have something in common. Then, we jump in with both feet. I instantly give trust away without screening to see if the person is actually trustworthy. I’m usually so excited that it doesn’t occur to me to pause and ask if I really even like the person.

It has taken me years to learn to slow down to explore things like: How does this person treat me? Do I enjoy the friendship? Are there any potential red flags? Is this friendship worth pursuing?

Friendships have often been hard for those of us with ADHD. This is as true at age seven as it is at age thirty-seven. As we get older, the list of lost friends, broken friends and soured relationships grows. We have experienced rejection, false starts, cold shoulders, and ghosting. All of these memories are hard to just “overcome” and try again.